Tag Archives: douchebag

GQ Takes on Online Dating Advice. And I Like It.

Image: GQ
Image: GQ

It’s not every day that I’ll acknowledge that the editors of GQ got something right. Their article The GQ Guide to Online Dating pretty much says all I had to say about Online Dating, but throws in some pretty hilarious online guy stereotypes.

They get extra points for picking on my least favorite Online Guy — Shirtless Douchebag Self-Portraiting in the Bathroom.

Read on for some hilarious tips. And keep in mind it’s GQ – so take it with a grain of salt.

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Mr. Wine-No

Not too long ago, I found myself on a second date with Short Mark*. I’m allowed to actually call him Short Mark because he lied about his height. He said 5’9 on his online profile but I quickly realized on our first date he couldn’t possibly stand taller than 5’6. However, I have been trying to be more open-minded about short guys, so I chose to ignore this rather irrational lie on his part (you can’t fake height so why would you lie about it online??) and agreed to a 2nd date with him.

We went to a Brentwood Italian restaurant I had never been to before and that meal was the best part of the whole evening. He admitted to being more of a beer drinker than a wine drinker and asked if I had any wine recommendations (no judgments here; I love giving wine advice!). I said, “Since we are in an Italian restaurant, I think Chianti would be a good bet. Red wine always go well with this sort of meal and Chianti is one of the best values.” Mind you, of course I pronounced Chianti as “key-ant-ee”, as any wine lover or anyone who’s ever watched Silence of the Lambs should know to do.

The waiter asked to take our drinks order and this short dude apparently felt he was ordering for the two of us. Short Mark said, “We’ll each have a glass of the Chee-ant-ee.” I wanted to hit him across the face. The waiter grimaced and politely walked away without correcting him. It wasn’t the fact that Short Mark didn’t know how to pronounce a relatively well-known red wine. It was the fact that he clearly wasn’t listening to what I was saying as that I’m pretty sure I said the word Chianti (correctly) at least 4 times.

Needless to say, the night took a turn for the worst at that point and I haven’t seen Short Mark since.

The 30Somethings.

I have received some of the same unsolicited advice over and over again over the years: date older. Because men my age (28) or younger don’t want to commit, don’t know what they want, are immature, just want to get laid (um, newsflash, all men of any age just want to get laid), have a Peter Pan complex, etc…

I tend to agree with all these points about the gentlemen of my generation. So I have — from time to time — gone on a date with the odd 30+ year old.

Guess what. Those dates with the 30somethings went worse than the dates with the 20something Peter Pans.

I’m the first to point out that I have some immature tendencies so it’s probably not a good idea to try to date a 35-year-old when I possess the mental age and maturity of 24-year-old post-college sorority idiot. That being said, I have found men in their 30s to be smarmy, arrogant, hands-y, and just kind of annoying.

Case in point: I recently went on a drinks date with Jake*, a 34-year-old real estate broker from eHarmony. When I met him outside the Santa Monica bar, my first thought was, “Is this really what 34 looks like?” Because the guy looked way older than that. But I soldiered on and gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was being truthful about his age.

The conversation went alright but I felt very self-conscious talking to him because of the disarming front he put on. For example, I was acutely aware of how often I said the word, “like” (did I mention that I really was in a sorority?). By the second drink, he tried multiple times to touch my leg, even though I was sitting pretty far from him and giving him no signals that it was okay in any way to touch me anywhere. I excused myself from the date pretty quickly after the multiple creep touch attempts and thankfully have never heard from the 34 (or 30-faux?) year old again.

2nd case in point: Mr. Pretentious.

Hopefully, this just means I’m dating the wrong 30somethings and there are plenty of lovely, not horribly jaded 30+ year olds out there. Single ladies of the Internet – what have you found? Is it better to date your age, older, or younger?