This Tinder conversation is proof of:
1) Why I’m still single.
2) The quality of men on Tinder.
3) How much I hate bad grammar.
This coming holiday weekend, I fly to Vail, Colorado for my 2nd cousin’s wedding. She’s 58 years old and this is her first marriage so take note – there’s always hope!
I’m the youngest cousin in the family, aside from my slightly older cousins who have all had babies (seriously, one had 3 in 3 years). They hail from places like Virginia, Texas, and Kansas City. They look at me all judgmental like the crazy city slicker I really am (and sometimes I catch a slight glimmer of jealousy in their eyes).
Much like my family visits at Thanksgiving and Christmas, I’ve been pondering all week about the inevitable question – “So, why didn’t you bring a date to the wedding?” My potential responses are ready to go:
- “I actually had a male escort on hold a la The Wedding Date but I did a cost-benefit analysis and it turned out the cons outweighed the pros.”
- “I was online dating in an attempt to meet someone but then my new boss was spotted on Tinder and eHarmony so I had to cease immediately for fear of e-running into him.” (true story)
- “I’m selfish, I’m fabulous, and I’m single. Get over it.”
- “Having grown up around this family for the past 28 years, I know better than to bring any man around to you people.”
- “I’m pretty sure I’ve dated all the eligible men in the westside. I’ve tapped out LA.” (another true story)
Wish me luck!
Unless any of you have acquired a boyfriend over the last 5 weeks (kudos if so!), I felt it appropriate to post a follow-up to In Preparation for Thanksgiving. I am returning to Chicago with a massive cold (not to worry though – the doctor just gave me a bunch of drugs so I should be singing Christmas carols minus the dripping nose in no time) and am fully prepped to answer the following annoying question:
“So, why are you still single?”
I have compiled the following potential responses:
- “I don’t know; maybe I should stop telling guys on a first date that I have a dating blog.” (just kidding…this is like a 6th date revelation)
- “I keep meeting these cute guys in Orange County but once I tell them that I voted for Obama, they run away.”
- “I’m on an airplane and/or in a different city every other weekend. Apparently, most men find this detrimental in dating a person. Me? I think it’s pretty f–king rad.”
- “I have no idea. Go get me my 5th glass of champagne and let’s sit down for the next 3 hours of this holiday party to talk through all my many single person issues. And no, we’re not spending one minute talking about you.”
- “I really am holding out for Ryan Gosling. He lives in LA; I live in LA. What – is this not realistic?”
- “BECAUSE BEING SINGLE IS AWESOME.” (True story. Thanks to my friend D. for that one)
Happy Holidays everybody! To the married folks – I enjoyed all the holiday cards (who doesn’t love snail mail??) and I hope there aren’t too many in-laws and screaming children this Christmas. To the single folks – I hope there are many ugly Christmas sweater parties and drunken makeouts heading your way.
I don’t know about you guys, but for the last few days, I’ve been plotting my responses for the inevitable question, “So, are you seeing anyone special?” when I return to my hometown of Chicago this week. Here are my favorites:
- “No. What are your thoughts on the 22 year old who works at the Subway by my office that told me he still lives with his parents? Because he asked me out.”
- “No special man, Aunt Maggie. I’ve decided that I will be the family member to continue your spinster legacy.” (Totally kidding! I don’t have an Aunt Maggie. And I would never say that to a spinster Aunt)
- “No, but consider this an open invitation to come visit me in LA in the dead of Chicago winter so you can meet the men of Los Angeles. You will quickly understand why I am still single.”
- “Yes, I have met someone! His name is Winston. He is unbelievably sweet, considerate, always there for me, and he is an orange tabby.” (Lie. I don’t have a cat…yet. But if I ever get one he will be named Winston and he will surely be the love of my life)
- “Nope. Once I saw those Paul Ryan workout pictures, I gave up on the male species and took a vow of celibacy.” (Half kidding…My parents’ conservative friends would sh– a brick if I actually said this to them)
- “No, but I still have hope because men like Ryan Gosling look like this.” (100% truth!)
The best advice I can give for dealing this lovely question during the holiday season? Always have a glass of champagne in hand. Because a glass of bubbly looks better than a stud on your arm any day of the week.
P.S. Here’s a picture of Mr. Gosling if you needed a visual.