Category Archives: douchebags

How I Learned to Facebook Stalk Part I

Ladies, I don’t have much dating advice. But when I do, I swear by it.

Whenever you meet a guy in a bar/social event/party and hit it off, immediately excuse yourself to the bathroom and find him on Facebook. Allow me to explain…

I met Mr. Cubs Fan at a Cubs bar in the Lower East Side during the 2016 World Series. Like all hopeless Cubs fans, I did not assume this handsome blonde had any interest besides Cubs bar chit chat. However, we spent half of the game chatting about Chicago, our jobs in the technology industry, and he complimented my glasses (because when my job is killing me softly, I wear glasses to bars). To my surprise, he asked for my number and I happily handed it out. He even texted me the next morning saying we should hang out that night.

Thanks to said job, I didn’t get around to checking Mr. Cubs Fan’s Facebook page until later the next day. I noticed 2 blonde boys in his feed and figured those were his nephews. Until I got to his “About” page where his status said “Married”. I immediately found his wife on Facebook and verified he was indeed married to a blonde girl in suburban Chicago with 2 blonde twin boys.

I fumed and decided to wait to call him out if I ever heard from Mr. Cubs Fan again. Sure enough, he did text that evening, leading to this exchange:

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Mic drop. I’m done.

Mr. Please Let Me Eat My Meal in Silence.

On Friday evening, I was sitting in 405 traffic following a community service event and was starving. I took it upon myself to Yelp Happy Hour Sushi places in the area. I drove to the place in El Segundo, sat myself at the sushi bar, and ordered a Happy Hour beer and sashimi platter.

The nerdy guy to my left asked to change seats with me so he could plug in his laptop and I said of course, no problem. He insisted on buying me a happy hour beer for my trouble (all of $2.50 – way to go, Moneybags) to which I said that was not necessary.

My sushi arrived and I happily began eating. Nerdy guy kept asking me questions while I was mid-bite. Mind you, I was in sweats and literally covered in dirt and sweat from the service event. I tried my best to be polite; after all, I am unemployed and you never know when the next job opportunity may meet you. But after he told me for the 3rd time that he was the best tech publicist in Los Angeles and that was he launching a huge product next year and everyone would know his name, I lost my patience.

I stared at my phone, texting girlfriends that I was being hounded by Los Angeles’ most obnoxious self-professed tech publicist, and didn’t answer any of his questions. He still blabbered on, telling me his life story. Against my will, I learned that he also went to USC, then dropped out (to which I said, “That’s cool” and he retorted, “Were you even listening? Dropping out is not cool at all.”

One girlfriend texted back saying she would call me immediately and pretend to be my boyfriend but I had already begged the waiter for my check. As I paid my bill (at least the beer was comped), he slid over not 1 but 2 different business cards and told me to call if I ever needed a publicist. Who has 2 different business cards?

I bolted out of there only to sit in another 40 minutes of traffic and fumed at myself for not having the balls to tell the guy to leave me alone. More than anything, I had just wanted a relaxing beer and sushi in silence.

Guest Post: Mr. Only On Special Occasions.

I don’t have many rules in the dating game but I do have one that I have always stuck to throughout the years: don’t date and job hunt at the same time. My ego can’t take all that rejection.

So I put out the call for guest bloggers for all you dating adventurers out there and A.W. answered the call! Here she describes her first attempt at an eHarmony date and unfortunately he didn’t turn out to be Prince Charming.

I’ve gone on many first dates over the years- setups, guys I met out, J-dates, etc.  But this was my first eHarmony attempt.

Let’s just say it was not so hot.

He had invited me to a wine and cheese bar, he was handsome, well dressed, and seemed to be an okay guy at first glance.  I think this guy expected me to study/memorize his profile, which I hadn’t.  The night started out bumpy when I asked if he preferred red or white wine and he said he didn’t drink. Ooops, clearly I missed the part where he said “special occasions only.”  Strike one.

However, as we started talking, some of the things he said were getting weirder and weirder; booze couldn’t even be blamed for these faux pas.  This was just his personality.

I noticed he couldn’t take his eyes off of my metallic silver nail polish- I am sure in his mind this made me some sort of a weirdo, but in all honesty I was just rocking the Essie color of the season with a normal manicure, nothing crazy.  I’m not a red or pink nails kind of a girl.  I was dressed pretty conservatively- Tory Birch flats, Gucci bag, Banana Republic shirt, all very classy and modest.

Back to the issue at hand…

Top 5 One liners of the evening…

1) In response to why he was living in  LA “Calvin Klein called and wanted  me to pick up my modeling career again”

2) Whether he liked Runyon Canyon “It’s trashy.” (I had already mentioned I live over there and go on a weekly basis).  He also told me I was “very Hollywood, ” which is a description I never really considered about myself…

3) Why he hadn’t been to NYC in a while “When I got I like to do expensive things, so I want to have the funds.  I want to go shopping…at places like Saks, Neimans, and Nordstrom and I am going to spend a lot of money.”  when I politely told him they have those stores in LA he said they don’t have “the good stuff, not like NY, since the recession hit here.”  Hello, have you heard of this thing called the internet?  Welcome to 2014.

4) With regards to me saying I practice yoga “You do fake yoga.  I learned from a yogi in Calcutta and have practiced in the Himalayas.”  Then he proceeded to go into a 10 minutes dissertation about his yoga versus my yoga, which included a story you could tell he had told verbatim dozens on times.  He said he didn’t expect me to stop doing yoga based on what he was saying, my reply was “don’t worry, I wasn’t thinking about it.”

5) In describing a party he went to over the weekend (that he had already sent me an awkward email about)  “My Filipino MILF friend who I one went on a date with and used to have a thing for me had a party….”  In the email, he mentioned he had stopped by a party and when he got there a priest-like person was leading a prayer and he thought they might be trying to induct him into a cult.  I knew that was weird and a semi red flag, but I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

In hindsight, I also think I should never go out with anyone who doesn’t drink at all.  (Only on special occasions).
I think I need to prescreen these candidates a little more.  I also think he could probably do a top 5 one liners on my end of things he considered weird.  We were just not compatible.

The night ended with an awkward hug/ him attempting to kiss me on the lips and an offer to walk me to my car (‘I think I’m good…”)
Let’s call this a learning experience: I also got some wine and cheese out of the equation.

And onto the next one…

Lesson #9: Don’t Be Afraid to Laugh at Yourself.

Christmas Lesson #9: Don’t Be Afraid to Laugh at Yourself

There were a few moments this year when my friends would bring up my embarrassing dating stories and I’d turn bright red and get angry. Sometimes hearing the sentence, “Remember when you dated the vegetarian who insisted on going to restaurants to share plates and didn’t let you eat meat dishes?” or “Why did you stay on that drinks date where Sober Joe invited you for a drink and then he drank iced tea while you had your 2nd Chardonnay?”  just completely rubbed me the wrong way. Then, I realized they bring up those stories because they are just so memorable and entertaining that the stories stuck with them. And that I should really lighten up.

Recently, on a chilly Friday morning, I found myself on a corner in Brentwood next to Mr. High Maintenance. I only noticed him because I thought it was strange that guy was wearing sandals, shorts, and a tank top when it was 50 degrees outside. Then we each did a double-take and I realized it was the Pellegrino and Sauvignon Blanc-swigging prima donna himself (in fact, he was holding 2 bottles of Pellegrino). He looked at me and ran across the busy street, straight into incoming traffic.

He didn’t get hit by a car and I fought the urge to shout, “Hey —, good to see you! Maybe you should put on some pants. It’s cold out here.” Then I promptly burst into laughter. The men of LA that I have dated literally run into incoming cars to get away from me. And that’s hilarious.