We had a great time over the last 8 years. You survived 3 cities, 5 jobs, and 6 apartments. It seems fitting that you lost your lens on either a vineyard ground or the floor of a Long Island party bus. Thanks for the memories.
— Sent from my iPhone. Excuse the typos or drunk texts.
I’ve missed me. At least 2017 has gotten off to a better start than I anticipated. We’re not going through the nuclear apocalypse…yet.
Things are pretty status quo here in NYC. I spent the majority of my winter hiding from snow storms and escaping to Miami, San Diego (x2), and Los Angeles. But as we all know, first comes cuffing season, then comes hibernation, and now finally…Spring Has Sprung!
It only took 4 years but I am finally in a job that has calmed the fuck down enough for me to think again to write. I look forward to conversing here more!
We all know – it was a horrible, absolutely no good year. You can guess my political affiliation based on the 2 coasts I’ve lived in the last decade. I spent more than half of 2016 living on unemployment and the other half not dating. My 2016 in review consisted of:
- 1 fantastic booze & jazz-filled trip to New Orleans (my first time – highly recommend!)
- 2 bad sexual encounters. At least 1 guy paid for my Uber home.
- 1 subway stair-related ankle injury, sidelining me from my beloved kickball team for a month and the treadmill for 3 months.
- 2 amazing weddings that were worth the plane rides, hikes, jet lag, and rental cars. I sort of believe in finding love after those. Sort of.
- 0 job offers for 5 months until it came down to 2 job offers in the same week and I had 36 meltdowns trying to make a decision.
- 7 eye doctor visits due to an eye issue, all paid for by Obamacare 🙌
- 1 new therapist who has me chasing down why I’m so lonely (to be continued…).
- 1 WORLD SERIES VICTORY.
Instead of ending on a sour note, I want to look to the positive. I am going to let the wise infographic of Purewow speak to the highlights of this grim year:
Finally, BRING IT 2017.
Tonight with the pouring rain outside after a 10 hour work day, I stood in line at Cava Grill and watched as girls in Hunter boots holding Kate Spade wallets paid for their low calorie Mediterranean food with AmEx credit cards and simultaneously summoned for Uber Pool pick up to avoid the rain outside.
Then I looked down and saw my own gray Hunter boots and Coach wallet and realized…We’re all a bunch of New York basic bitches.
Ladies, I don’t have much dating advice. But when I do, I swear by it.
Whenever you meet a guy in a bar/social event/party and hit it off, immediately excuse yourself to the bathroom and find him on Facebook. Allow me to explain…
I met Mr. Cubs Fan at a Cubs bar in the Lower East Side during the 2016 World Series. Like all hopeless Cubs fans, I did not assume this handsome blonde had any interest besides Cubs bar chit chat. However, we spent half of the game chatting about Chicago, our jobs in the technology industry, and he complimented my glasses (because when my job is killing me softly, I wear glasses to bars). To my surprise, he asked for my number and I happily handed it out. He even texted me the next morning saying we should hang out that night.
Thanks to said job, I didn’t get around to checking Mr. Cubs Fan’s Facebook page until later the next day. I noticed 2 blonde boys in his feed and figured those were his nephews. Until I got to his “About” page where his status said “Married”. I immediately found his wife on Facebook and verified he was indeed married to a blonde girl in suburban Chicago with 2 blonde twin boys.
I fumed and decided to wait to call him out if I ever heard from Mr. Cubs Fan again. Sure enough, he did text that evening, leading to this exchange:
Mic drop. I’m done.