Category Archives: online dating

dating, online dating

The 30Somethings.

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I have received some of the same unsolicited advice over and over again over the years: date older. Because men my age (28) or younger don’t want to commit, don’t know what they want, are immature, just want to get laid (um, newsflash, all men of any age just want to get laid), have a Peter Pan complex, etc…

I tend to agree with all these points about the gentlemen of my generation. So I have — from time to time — gone on a date with the odd 30+ year old.

Guess what. Those dates with the 30somethings went worse than the dates with the 20something Peter Pans.

I’m the first to point out that I have some immature tendencies so it’s probably not a good idea to try to date a 35-year-old when I possess the mental age and maturity of 24-year-old post-college sorority idiot. That being said, I have found men in their 30s to be smarmy, arrogant, hands-y, and just kind of annoying.

Case in point: I recently went on a drinks date with Jake*, a 34-year-old real estate broker from eHarmony. When I met him outside the Santa Monica bar, my first thought was, “Is this really what 34 looks like?” Because the guy looked way older than that. But I soldiered on and gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was being truthful about his age.

The conversation went alright but I felt very self-conscious talking to him because of the disarming front he put on. For example, I was acutely aware of how often I said the word, “like” (did I mention that I really was in a sorority?). By the second drink, he tried multiple times to touch my leg, even though I was sitting pretty far from him and giving him no signals that it was okay in any way to touch me anywhere. I excused myself from the date pretty quickly after the multiple creep touch attempts and thankfully have never heard from the 34 (or 30-faux?) year old again.

2nd case in point: Mr. Pretentious.

Hopefully, this just means I’m dating the wrong 30somethings and there are plenty of lovely, not horribly jaded 30+ year olds out there. Single ladies of the Internet – what have you found? Is it better to date your age, older, or younger?

dating, online dating

Online Dating Deal Breakers.

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Remember when my hero Liz Lemon wrote her successful book, DealBreakers? She helped inspire me to come up with the Top 5 Online Dating dealbreakers:

5) If he’s doing the MySpace pose. He’s holding a camera to the mirror and taking a pic of himself. This is alarming because:

  • He looks idiotic.
  • He may not have any friends that can take a picture of him.
  • He might still be using MySpace.

If you are not sure what I am speaking of, please review the following MySpace mirror shot.

4) Multiple spelling and grammar mistakes. Fine, I’m a bit of a spelling Nazi, but the way I see it – you have this one online dating profile to impress people and you can’t bother to use the free spell check in the Firefox browser? That screams lazy and stupid.

3) Holding a child does not give you brownie points with the ladies; it makes you look like you have kids (a dealbreaker for some ladies, yes), or that you are just that creep who uses cute objects (baby, dog, monkey) to catch the attention of women.

2) If he doesn’t have any photos, it means he’s too lazy to complete his profile and no girl wants a lazy boy. It could also mean he’s hideous. In both cases, I say Dealbreaker.

1) If he starts his profile with any of the following clichés “I thought I’d never try online dating, but LA is so hard to meet people, here I am!”, “I’m looking for a fun girl but no commitments” (okay, appreciate the honesty, but not a good first-liner), or “I’m a fun-loving guy who loves the outdoors, hanging out with friends, and am happy grabbing a drink out or watching a great movie with a glass of wine at home for the night.” Hey Mr. Originality, 99% of people in LA love the outdoors, have friends they generally like to be in the company of, and go to bars but – gasp! – also are content to sit at home with a bottle of wine and “Serendipity”. Dealbreakers all around!

dating, online dating

The Nice Guys.

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I realize and recognize that I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about the many, many (too many?) douchebags I’ve dated and been subjected to in Los Angeles. Now let’s take a second to reflect on their brothers on the complete opposite side of the dating spectrum: the Nice Guys.

Nice guys are not urban legends. They are indeed walking among us every day (or in LA’s case…driving in the car next to yours). We just may not notice them because they are not as aggressive or as loud as their douche-y counterparts. I’ve encountered many of these nice guy anomalies in my dating years, including the following 2 good guys:

Pete the Pilot.

A fellow I dated while I was living in San Diego 3 years ago. Everything was great on paper. Everything. He was a pilot for a private plane (how hot is that?). He was good-looking. He was incredibly sweet and planned our 3 dates down to a T. We had really good conversations about Lost.  And he could rock a goddamn set of aviators. And yet by the end of Date 3, I felt zero chemistry for this guy. Nothing. But I knew the absolute best thing I could to him was bite the bullet and end it. And guess what – we’re still Facebook friends and I know that he found love with a nice girl in San Diego and still flies a giant private plane. So, one person won out of this situation and it was the nice guy.

Mr. Oklahoma. 

Oh, Mr. Oklahoma of eHarmony. He was like a humble slice of pie to remind me that there are hidden nice dudes in LA. I recently went on a 2-hour date with this guy (USC grad, born and raised in Oklahoma, now works in film) in Santa Monica and while he was perfectly nice and attentive, I just knew by the end of the night that I wasn’t interested in him at all. It all started to awkwardly fall apart at the end of the evening when I politely leaned out to give him a good-bye hug (most likely ass-out, as demonstrated in the picture below) and instead he went all pounce-y and tried to make out with my face. In a last-minute effort to hide from his incoming lips, I turned my cheek so he clumsily kissed my cheek. And when I tried to run off, he called after me, “I’d love to see you again!” and I replied with a “Umm…just text me. Bye!” Sure, maybe I should have just stood my ground right then and there and said, “No thanks, I’m not interested”, but I was just trying to make a quick getaway.

Image: Cosmo magazine. (yes, I read it. Don’t judge.)

At exactly 10 AM the following morning, he texted me asking me on a very specific, well thought-out date for Saturday night, even suggesting to get sushi since I had said I really liked sushi. I had to spend the next 8 hours thinking of a polite way to say, thanks but no thanks. Eventually, I figured out there was no way I was going to escape this situation without looking like a female douchebag. Finally, I came up with some sort of politely worded rejection, sent it off, and never heard a word back. The whole situation made me feel bad for this perfectly nice, small-town guy that is just trying to find love in a hopeless place (read: Los Angeles).

I’ve probably only learned 1 or 2 things in my dating days and otherwise I’m pretty damn clueless. But here you go: if you are dating a nice guy that you don’t like but you just feel too bad or guilty or you keep hoping chemistry/feelings will magically develop, just rip the band-aid right off and end it. It is a very unfair thing to string this nice guy along and on top of it — keep him from meeting his Ms. Right. Because if there’s one thing I believe, nice guys don’t finish last.

dating, online dating

Back in the Saddle.

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I actually haven’t been on an online dating site in months but I also haven’t been on a date in well…too long and I’m bored this fall. So I figured why not give the old eHarmony a try again.

Turns out the last time I logged in was January 2010 and my profile still indicated I was A. from San Diego so I had some editing to do. They now have some really fun new questions to answer that are both good for your potential date to know about you and very thought-provoking to ponder on a sleepy autumn Monday evening. Here are just a few snapshots from the evening:

ImageAnyone who knows my love of Lost will understand how vehemently important this question is to me. Really – who would you rather be stuck on a desert island with? Sawyer or Ginger? You know I’m right.

A date who doesn’t drink?? But how are you supposed to make it through a first date without the glass of wine to take the edge off? Alright, you got me eHarmony, one of my most important values include wine.

I guess I’m officially back in the saddle! Wish me luck, friends.

dating, online dating

Mr. Face Twitch.

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Ladies of Los Angeles, I gotta ask – does anyone find they get asked out on dates to the same exact wine bar over and over again? It’s like the men of LA only know of 1 first date spot. In my case, it’s Bodega wine bar in Santa Monica. I think I’ve been on at least 10 blind dates there. I’m surprised the bartenders don’t recognize me as that awkward girl who keeps coming back for sad dates.

Anyways, this brings me to Mr. Face Twitch. He invited me to – surprise surprise — Bodega.

I actually ran out of work thinking I was late at 6:15 for a 6:30 date (thank you difficult client). I somehow made it there and parked promptly at 6:30. He was not there but I found a place to sit. By 6:55, I ordered a glass of wine and made friends with the 50something man next to me named Frank. Awkwardly, I had to put my credit card down to hold the order.

To Mr. Face Twitch’s credit, I followed my Online Dating Rule of not giving out my number for safety and security purposes, so he didn’t have my phone number. I did have his though, and finally texted him at 7:00 to say “ohh hey…i’m here, grabbed a spot to sit.” He apologized and said he had gotten held up at work but didn’t have my number to give me the heads-up.

He finally showed up at 7:10 (40 minutes late…), and “photo” Mr. Face Twitch was cuter than “real life” Mr. Face Twitch. Basically, he was perfectly nice but awkward and nerdy and made weird faces and twitched. 30 minutes in, I knew I wanted out and after an hour finally said something about having to meet friends for Trivia Night (blatant lie). We couldn’t find the waitress to close the tab. By the time she finally came around, she asked how we wanted to settle given my credit card was holding the tab. He had 2 beers; I had 1 glass of wine (mine was at happy hour price; his 2 beers were not due to his tardiness).

I requested the check and he left his credit card on the table and went to bathroom. The waitress asked me how to do the bill while he was gone. I was stupid enough just to stutter (I really wanted to LEAVE!!), “Uummm….just split it halfway.” So basically I paid for this guy to drink beer.

He returned from the bathroom, we signed the checks (REALLY?? I’m on online dating sites for the free drinks/food!! I expect to see some ROI out of this), and I then I ran away.

The worst part of it all? Mr. Face Twitch and I have been matched up on 3 separate dating sites. Apparently, we’re good together on paper and disastrous in real life.